This is hard.
I don't feel like sharing our story with the world today, because today I don't feel strong. Today I just want to curl up in MY bed at HOME with Samuel on my chest - no tubes, no needles, no medications...but instead I'm sitting in the hall of this hospital, 1,200 miles from home, unable to see our precious son because they said we had to leave.
Do you want to know the hardest part about this whole journey? It's that someone can tell me when I can and can't see my son.
Because Samuel is in the CICU, he doesn't have a private room - he has never had a private room. This means that we are not allowed to sleep by him. This means that if something else is going on in the unit, they are allowed to tell us that we have to leave. This means that every morning when we show up and ring into the unit, my heart starts beating a little faster as I fear that they will tell me again, "you can't see your son right now".
Father God, this is too much!
This morning when we arrived Samuel was so wide-eyed and happy! We talked with him and loved on him for about 30 minutes...before being told that we would have to leave because they needed to do a bedside procedure elsewhere in the unit.
My heart dropped.
I got a lump in my throat.
The tears started to flow.
But this is our special time with him!
I just want to wrap my arms around him and take him home...where no one can tell me that I can't see my son.
Please don't get me wrong. I am NOT upset at the doctors or nurses - I know that they are doing what they need to do. I am simply allowing you to see a glimpse of how painful this journey is, as a reminder that Seth and I need prayer too. Our hearts are broken over and over again. We feel discouragement trying to creep in day after day. We often fall prey to asking the unanswerable questions that are burdens on our weary souls.
This morning was also hard because as soon as we walked in the unit we could see from across the room that his feeding pump was turned off. Another failed attempt at getting Samuel the nutrition that he needs...another day of waiting...another day of learning what it means to trust God when none of this makes sense.
This verse has been shared with us over and over again during this journey. It reminds us of God's promises to us...The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord , endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.Psalms 138:8
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for Samuel David.
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for Seth.
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for Hannah.
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for our family.
These are words of comfort because I know they are words of truth, even though I don't know exactly what His purpose is. We know that God's love for us endures forever, and that He has not, and He never will, forsake us.
Please continue to pray that Samuel will be able to handle feeds again soon. We long for the day when we walk in and his feeding pump is still on!
For now, we are just trying to enjoy each and every moment spent together!
This is His story, and it is all for His glory.