How long, O Lord??
We gave this story to God long ago because we always knew He was in control. We knew that God could bring healing to Samuel's body at any point along the way. We still know that He CAN. But will He?
These past 9 weeks as I have stared at my precious son - covered with tubes, PICC lines, IVs, bandages, and monitors - my heart has ached more than I ever knew possible. Everything inside of me wants to scream...
He shouldn't have to go through this!
He shouldn't have to hurt!
He doesn't deserve to be dependent on medications!
It's not fair to deny him the comfort of his mommy and daddy's arms!
God, please don't let him be in pain! Please take away his discomfort!
Over and over again I fight the urge to scoop him up in my arms and take away all the tubes and lines that he shouldn't have to deal with. For 9 weeks now I have suppressed almost every motherly instinct that I have, and it hurts.
This is painful.
This isn't what life should look like.
He shouldn't be the one suffering!
My precious baby boy has already been through more medically than many people will go through in a life time. Every day I wish I could make it go away. Seth and I often talk about the day we get to take him home and finally snuggle him, as he deserves...
The day we get to take him outside for the first time.
The day we get to take him to church.
The day we get to hear him cry again...
Why, oh why, are we still here?!
We have been faithful!
We have prayed!
We have remained positive!
We have dealt with unknowns and heartache and bad news for over a year now, since losing our first child.
When will we get a break??
When will we get the joy of holding one of our children any time we choose?
HOW LONG, O Lord??
This question runs through my mind as I cry bitter tears. Seth and I see it in each other's weary eyes at the end of each long day. How long must we go through this anguish? How long must we pray for our son to feel the joy of a normal life? How long until we can take our son HOME?
How long, O Lord? Will You forget us forever?
But then I feel it. It washes over me at the most unexpected times...
In the midst of my deep sorrow...
When I am so undeserving and allowing myself to wallow in my suffering...
Sometimes for a fleeting moment, but always with a memory I will cherish...
God has not forgotten us. He has been with us from the beginning. He has been guiding us every step of the way. Where would we be without Him??
Those moments of deepest sorrow?
He was there.
The countless times we have wept bitter tears in each other's arms?
He was there.
The days when I stare at Samuel and angrily question, "why him?"
He is there.
For every difficult moment, He has furnished an equal measure of peace and joy.
We could choose to be angry that we have to go through these circumstances. We could choose to take that out on God. But we are choosing every day to instead find purpose in this pain. We know that God has written this story for a reason, and we also know that He hurts alongside us. He does not enjoy our pain, it is because of our fallen world - brought about by the evil we have all committed - that we must endure pain in this life. But there is a redeeming quality. If we give our pain to God, we KNOW that He will redeem that pain in a way more beautiful than we could ever imagine! We have prayed over and over again that His name would be glorified through Samuel's life, and we are confident that will happen! Samuel's life has made such an impact already, and for that we are thankful. That brings us joy! And it makes the most painful of days just a little easier.
How long, O Lord?
However long it takes to bring His name the most glory. We know that He will continue to provide us with unexplainable joy and peace for the journey, and that's why we can boldly say:
This is His story, and it is all for His glory!