Even If...

It can be easy for me to put on a brave face for people, especially while sitting behind a computer screen.  And while everything that I have said on this blog is absolutely true, and I believe it with all of my heart, there are many hard days.

My heart is broken.

I am grieving.

No, we haven't lost our precious Samuel David, but I am finally ok admitting that I am grieving all the same.

I am grieving the joyful innocence of pregnancy that I have never known.

I am grieving the excitement of doctors visits that most people experience during pregnancy.

I am grieving what I thought our family would look like.

I am grieving the fact that I can't just put together a nursery, have a baby shower, or buy cute clothes without the thought in my head that Samuel may never use these things.

I am grieving the fact that all future plans are currently on hold while we wait to see what our lives are going to look like 2+ months from now.

I am grieving a life for my son that may never be.

Do I believe God can perform a miracle?

Yes!

In fact, I believe that He has already performed many.

Has the healing come yet?

Not to our eyes.

But even if we never see the healing in this life, we know that God will heal our son, and we will see him whole and healthy one day.

My heart yearns for that day to be 7 weeks from now when Samuel enters this world full-term, with a perfect heart, a strong set of lungs, and perfect proportions to his body.  I know that God can perform this miracle!  I know that this yearning of my heart is not too far-fetched!  I have no doubts in my mind about God's ability to do these things...

But He may decide not to.

Our prayer every single day since we first began walking this journey was that God would receive glory through Samuel David's life.  It may be that He receives the most glory by not performing the miracle in the way that we want Him to.

And we have to be ok with that.

But it won't lessen the grief.

Seth and I are living each day with the expectation that we will get the chance to raise Samuel!  We pray every night that Samuel will grow up to love and serve God, and ask that God will grant us wisdom as we raise Him!  When we ask for the healing of Samuel's heart, we pray that it would beat for God all the days of his life.  When we ask for the healing of Samuel's lungs, we pray that he will glorify God with every breath.  When we cry out to God for Samuel's life, we pray that his life will bring God glory above all else.

We pray in expectation!

We pray with hope!

But even if...

The song "Even If" by Kutless came on the other day, and I think the lyrics say it perfectly.  No matter how our story plays out, and even in the midst of the waiting, Seth and I are clinging to what we know is true of God.  It's a knowledge we have acquired throughout our lives.  His love and goodness do not depend on how He chooses to answer our prayers.

If Samuel lives a long, healthy life - God is good!

If Samuel is born with all of his current complications and is only with us a short time - God is still good!

He is always faithful.  He is unchanging.

No matter what my emotions are at any given moment, my knowledge of who God is will never change - and for that I am thankful.

I want to encourage you to listen to the song below, read through the lyrics, and know that whatever you might be going through - no matter how painful it may be - God is still God, and He remains faithful and good - ALWAYS.

So surrender your story, and allow Him to use it for His glory!

"Even If" by Kutless

Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

You’re still the Great and Mighty One

We trust You always

You’re working all things for our good

We’ll sing your praise 

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

You are God and we will bless You

As the Good and Faithful One

You are God and we will bless You

Even if the healing doesn’t come

Even if the healing doesn’t come